Thursday, April 20, 2017

Chris Martin Read my Mind ... or my Journal ...

"Reflecting" at Desert X, Circle of Land and Sky

“She said where’d you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I’m not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gift
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can kiss.
I want something just like this.”
-The Chainsmokers/Coldplay


April 17, 2017. Today was something else. So much has happened in the last few months and today a chapter closed as I spoke to a stranger on speaker phone while driving to Santa Monica. We are in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde cycle and I have learned that those celestial times tend to rattle my world. Some people believe less in the chaos and more in the power of Mercury Retrograde. I have always held fast to my chaos theory ... until today, when I started to believe in the power.

There was this rough day I had at the beginning of the retrograde. My house was torn up and I had been displaced for weeks. The reality of having left my full time job was hitting me, and things just seemed out of sync. A dear friend was able to calm me down and ended up sharing a podcast that helped me frame my situation and place it in the context of that ubiquitous “bigger picture.” Pieces of my understanding fell into place, a quiet calm took over, and then Chris Martin sang.

So let’s be all “retrograde-y” and take it back .... Apparently, this particularly powerful retrograde focuses on the things you have built or are building in your life. This cycle takes us all back 7 years ... to 2010. The night the retrograde started I couldn’t sleep. I had the needling urge to read my old blog posts, starting from the very beginning. I wanted to see what I had done and figure out why I had let it lapse. As I read that night, I was struck by the force of my intention SEVEN YEARS AGO in 2010. I had wanted to explore international surgical service work and I had done it – found different projects, said “yes” all the time, figured schedules out with my colleagues, and jumped into the work with passion, hope, happiness and grace. That year of exploration led me to leave Denver, leave a fulltime job, and find a home base at the beach from where I lived a life full of national and international travel. I had started to build something that held meaning for me. So what has happened since? And why am I being thrown back to that time by this cosmic torture machine I call Mercury retrograde?

Seems the universe is reminding me I have strayed ... strayed from my once passionate intention and fallen for the hook of a “normal life.” For the past two years I have struggled with my untraditional lifestyle – the one that allows me the freedom to do international service work, the one that allows me to say “yes” to adventures and challenges, the one that I was born to live. During those two years, I sought a full time job and worked hard to stay put geographically. Nine months ago, I officially began walking down that path ... working a “real” job, in a large corporation, slaying my spirit in order to conform, and lying to myself that this was “me” .... lying to myself that this was where I needed to be. When it fell apart after 6 months, there was an incredible relief, a flurry of escapist travel, and a giddy sense of liberation.

But then, the hard work began, bringing us to this retrograde and Chris Martin. Seven years ago I left Denver for two reasons. Professionally, I left Denver because I wanted the freedom to pursue being a pediatric surgeon on my own terms. And personally, I left Denver because I am an ocean girl who needs an ocean boy and though I love the rare air of the Rockies, I was just faking it thinking I could trade waves for summits. Seven years ago I intuitively knew some hard truths about myself ... beautiful and hard truths. Now, this retrograde has made it apparent that I have been spending a bit too much time of late trying to run away from those truths.

That is until today.  As I drove across town, I got a phone call from a stranger in Florida wanting to conduct a quick exit interview. “Why did you leave your job with XYZ?” Today, I felt liberated and entirely free from external expectations about how I should live my life, conduct my career, and move through this world. Today I felt free and complete and happy like a kid with all the possibilities laid out before her.

So, I am back. Thanks to a slamming retrograde, I am back to my true intentions! I hope to rejuvenate this blog and expand my service work (it never stopped, but now it will get more of the time and energy it deserves).  I will continue working locums jobs with people who make it fun and care deeply about our patients and families. And I will find my ocean boy, somewhere, out here ... (I have quietly vowed to always have my home in California - unless I am moving to another ocean with said ocean boy by my side.)

Not quite seven years ago, I wrote in my journal that I wanted “someone in my life who I could miss.” I wanted someone who would be a grounding force, a constant in my wanderings. I wanted someone who was strong enough and independent enough to let me do what I do. Someone who would want to share adventures, try new things, explore this world, and build a joyful, playful life with a teammate. Someone who would often share in my wanderings, but if they couldn’t, would give me permission to MISS them, and would welcome my return with open arms, and the comfort of a true home, in their heart. I still want that ... it is still my intention to find that person.

Cue Chris Martin ... the first time I heard this song on the radio I had tuned in at the second chorus so don’t get all “judgy” and tell me I “got the lyrics wrong.” That verse of the chorus replaces the word “kiss” with “miss.” You can understand how it grabbed me ... As mercury works its way out of retrograde think of me driving the PCH with a surfboard on the rack and my pup in the back, car dancing and singing:

“She said where’d you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I’m not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gift
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can MISS.
I want something just like this.”

I’m jumping back into the life I was meant to live. Who’s coming with me?

5 comments:

William Read said...

❤️

Michelle said...

Pure, raw, wonderful words- Suzy you make me so proud to be your cuz...all the best as you continue your journey, find your Ocean Boy, and so much more xoxooxo

Jeanne Davis said...

Love this and love you! Your free and powerful in so many ways just like the ocean.

saundra kay said...

Miss you lots Suz! Hope you find that 'ocean boy'! Good for you for living your dream!!!! (That's what it's all about anyway!)

Unknown said...

Great post, Suzy - I must share this with Grace. I think we can both relate to your longing for freedom of expression, intentions and actions , yet still wanting to have that soul connection with someone. It's a tricky balancing act, a wild walk on a high wire; the promise of a lifetime of purpose and the pursuit of passion combined with meaningful work. Enjoy the journey. The destination is never guaranteed.